The phone chatters away filling my mind with gunk. Therapists have been replaced by talking heads on social media with their thirty second clips. Not that I have much faith in therapists anyway.

What I know to be true is this: it is up to me to figure it out. It is a lonesome journey but sort of fun and in the end I hear the universe is waiting with open arms and a loving, unjudgmental energy.

Sometimes just as I am going to fall asleep I feel my mind turn over and wake up. It clicks into a different gear. Oh no. I know what lies ahead is going to be a long night. I will lie awake all night and at the end of it, eyes burning, forehead heavy, I will get up and face the day.

The night will be spent staring at the wall, thinking. Turning over and looking at the other wall. Going out to look at the stars and examine the darkness, maybe spot a wild animal roaming through the garden. Making a small pot of warm milk with cinnamon and honey. Lying my sore neck down on pillows that feel like rocks. Wanting to sleep so badly, wanting the healing time of unconsciousness, but not able to feel peaceful enough to trust letting go.

Lord Mother, give me relief from these nights! Some breath work to make my mind go to sleep? Some thought patterns or tricks?

But I have discovered one thing I can do to help turn the tide and calm the waters. First off I have to think about all the good things I have done. It is a shameful indulgence in self congratulations, but it works. You were an amazing mother, I remind myself. You have done your best in your marriage and in your life. You don’t give up on yourself, or others. You handled those illnesses and troubles with aplomb and strength. Your moral behaviour is consistent with who you are, that sort of thing.

And then quite by accident the tense changes and I hear myself telling myself what I will do next and my thoughts become positive about the future. You are going to start weight training to fight off the effects of the rabeprazole, you are going to work with children, you are going to write what you want to write, you are going to be your fabulous self. With these comforting positive thoughts I can feel my body relax.

I have had some good experiences with praying, as well. I am not always deep enough in my body for it to work. I get so distracted by other people’s needs. But if I focus in on my essence, and my spirit is fed and watered, I can hear answers. I tried to clear my head one long wakeful night and all I got was one message. I love these messages because I know I did not think them. They come out of nowhere and they feel separate from my other thoughts.

The voice said ‘ you have done nothing wrong’. I was surprised to hear that message. What do you mean? Who said that? I don’t remember thinking that I did anything wrong. What exactly does this statement imply? My mind grabbed the statement and turned it over like I had found a beautiful rock on the beach.

First of all I knew it was true. I really have not done anything wrong. And then I felt relief and a weight lift off my shoulders. That’s the kind of thing the voice does, when I pray. It surprises me. I love that. I always know what I am going to say to myself but I don’t know what the message will be when I pray.

Am I praying to God? I don’t know. I don’t have much experience with religion. I do know that I cannot say God does not exist if I don’t know one way or another. If it is God, then I say ‘thank you’. Or is it Source, or Spirit, or your inner voice? I don’t know. In the universe of consciousness we are just infants and we might as well stay humble.